I seem to be in the minority of people that finds the Olympics awfully boring. I’d rather watch a dog taking a shit than watch cycling, I’d rather watch the fuckin Katy Perry movie than watch gymnastics! So with that said I’ve got some radical ideas to make the Olympics not only bearable to watch but for it to be a sporting spectacle worthy of the kind of praise these Olympics are getting. Firstly I’m sick of finding out months later that the winner was doping so doping will now be mandatory. Roided up Freaks must only apply! Also this will be a 1 week thing because 2 weeks is too long to keep my attention. With that said there’s some changes to the sports themselves.

Diving

As provided by our buddy Damien Heavin. The diving competition will be made better by “lobbing” a shark into the pool. If the diver can get out of the pool quick enough they will not only survive but they will get a gold medal for bravery.

Swimming

The Swimming competitions will be changed, there will be a giant solid grate on the end of the pool where the swimmers dive in. On the buzzer the swimmers not only take off but the grate opens releasing the starved pirahna. Survivors will receive a gold medal for their bravery.

Running

There will be parallel races taking place. One will feature only Cheetahs, the other will feature humans. The winner of the human foot race will be rewarded with not having to take part in the final with the losers who will. He will be given 250k dollars and citizenship to any country of his choice, he will also be allowed to shoot the starting pistol for the final race. The final race will pit the winning Cheetah against the humans. Those who survive will win a gold medal for bravery.

Long Jump

The first few feet of the long jump sand pit will be dotted with dwarfs carrying pitch forks attempting to impale the jumpers. Those who can make it past the pitch forks will get a gold for their bravery.

Volleyball

Volleyball shall remain for women in it’s current form. Mens Volleyball will be replaced by a new sport. Competitors will be put on a massive roulette wheel. Spun until they are very dizzy. There will be 4 very narrow walk ways to safety, these walk ways will be overlooking pits filled with different things that are certain death. Tridents pointing upwards, Crocodiles, Bears and Lions.

Wrestling

Wrestling will be slightly changed. The winner of the tournament will not automatically receive a medal instead he will have to face former gold medalist turned professional wrestler Kurt Angle in a no DQ falls count anywhere last man standing death match. The wrestler must stick to their amateur wrestling restrictions while Kurt Angle will be armed with steel chairs, Kendo Sticks, tables and sledge hammers. If they can last more than 2 minutes they will receive a gold medal.

Boxing

Unlike with the wrestling the competitors in this sport will be encouraged to disregard the rules of the sport. They must fight to the death. The ultimate survivor gets a gold medal, the extra twist here is that this will be our token celebrity tournament to attract youthful sponsors. Pop stars and reality tv stars will be forced to compete as it’s in the fine print of their contracts for their crimes against humanity.

Fencing

This one is obvious. No more fancy get up to protect them from the swords and the tips of the swords will now be dosed with a random deadly disease.

Weightlifting

The dwarfs from the long jump will return in this sport, only here they will be holding long feathers and tickling under armpits. Wonderful

Javelin

The course will be filled with competitors own loved ones. They must throw into the small open green patches which there will be very few of.

Shot put

Shot put obviously will be replaced with this:

No medals in this one but everybody wins

All other sports like Football and Basketball will no longer be played at the Olympics because they are not seen as the pinnacle of their disciplines in terms of achievement and seem kind of pointless.

That’s that,

Rory