Two in a row you say? Why the hell not? So Rory has left the country for a new Fancy Dan job in the good old USA and we now communicate through twitter and email. I think he sells old Sega controllers to crackhead video game fans now? Not sure. There’s also a rumour doing the rounds that Rory was recruited to head up Master Shredders foot clan as Phoenix Arizona has seen a rise in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle type activities. Nobody knows what the hell he’s doing there so I took it upon myself to find out for you good people.
So I emailed Rory a list of questions that I, and his legions of fans, need answers to. Enjoy.
So, how is America going?
Its going super fantastic Steve, its really a different world. Today I had a double cheese burger for breakfast and then punched a homeless man right in the throat. His wheezing sounds reminded me of a tea kettle from my days in the old country.
That’s great. So how was your first day at work?
It was a bit confusing to be honest. There was a Nice gentlemen in the parking lot instructing people to get into the back of a pick up truck. My first day was spent laying bricks with 4 Mexican men, its been a week and I havent even been shown where my desk is yet. I guess it’s some sort of initiation for being Irish. Those jokers…
I imagine your new work colleagues see you as a normal approachable person yes? How did the first night out go?
They rarely approach me to be honest, I think the language is a bit of a barrier, they just cant understand my quazi Irish accent what with my half three’s, chips, crisps and fags. I was invited for what I thought was a welcome to the workplace night out but when I showed up it turned out we had a night job tarring a road.
Things got even worse when I saw a cockroach run away with my house keys, I had to sleep in a ditch with Miguel and his brother Jorge.
That’s insane! How the hell did a cockroach do that?
You see, I have a habit of losing my keys so when Im at work I shove them up my ass for safe keeping. Im not sure How the cockroach got up my ass but I do sleep in the nude and my friends in the gay scene back in Galway have likened my asshole to the Port tunnel.
Moving on. How is your new place?
Its amazing. Theres a communial pool and gym that are open 24 hours. I have a two bed apartment to myself, theres a chandelier just off the loft and theres two walk in closets to store my porn in.
That’s great. So the communal swimming pool is all above board?
I havent verified yet but I think theres a nude only policy…everybody is naked! Have you ever seen a fat womans vagina coming out of a heated swimming pool? It was gross, all red..looked like she may have had the herpes
Hahaha ohh Rory, you and your STD knowledge! Have you found a local pub yet?
Oh sure, its an Irish bar called Wifey McFistys. Its a very drab looking place, the type of place where people go to forget there problems, get hammered drunk and create even more problems. Which suits me just fine.
And the barman, is he a good bro?
He seemed pretty cool but they switched barman after the first guy Hung himself in the store room. I’d like to say he had so much to live for but with the clientel in the place that job is a death sentence.
The jukebox…good selection?
Ah Steve, you know from my times out with you in Galway we’d drink so much just so we wouldnt have to notice the shit music being played. That hasn’t changed.
Haha that is true! You and your ways. So have you explored all the tourist type spots?
Nah, so far all Ive done is get drunk, come back to the hotel and terrorize the staff with my dainty cock. But you know what I say about having a small cock, why the fuck would ya worry about her pleasure!?
Wow I never thought of it that way. You are so insightful. Did you at least tip the doorman?
If by tip you mean rub the tip of Mr Featherpenny against him? You bet your ass I tipped him….
So Americans seem tall on the tele, is it true?
They do seem taller but then they would If you spent most of your time on the floor looking up.
Ya I guess. So do you see your future abroad in america?
Too early to tell my friend. I like it so far but then I use to like Hanson, times change but I’ll Enjoy it while Im here!
Well that is something buddy. So we are running out of time here. If you would have 3 words to describe your USA experience so far what would they be?
HARD FAST and SEXY
Well there you have it folks, we are no closer to figuring out what the fuck he’s doing over there but at least we know he’s living in paradise…Yaaaaay?