The Revolution of the Dickheads

A few weeks ago a YouTube video was posted. Within a matter of days it has surpassed 1 million views.  It really should have had more views registered but others ripped it and posted it themselves. It’s one of the funniest videos and catchiest songs that has ever been posted on YouTube. What interests me even more is the precedent he has set. You see, he didn’t just make a throw away funny video and upload it. He created a video that went viral and subsequently promoted his album, his album which is free to download from his own website: http://lildicky.com/music/

 

I am not a marketing student or a journalist but I find the new wave of Internet Marketing to be pretty interesting. I can remember when Conan O’Brien lost the Tonight Show, he had signed an agreement to not appear on television, he decided with his time off, this period in which he could not appear on television that he would instead do a live variety show and tour around the country with it. Problem being, he couldn’t appear on television to promote it and so he simply tweeted about the availability of tickets and managed to sell out the entire tour without spending any money on advertising.

Next up, Louis CK. Louis got recognition and fame so he decided with this fame he would use his name as leverage. He decided he would not air his Comedy special on a network or sell the DVD through a distributor, instead he paid for the production of the special and the sold it on his own website for 5 dollars a pop. Cheaper than any of his other specials, so better for the fans and also it meant he got more money in the long run because the distributor was not going to get their cut and he’d sell more due to the low price. Next, He decided he would no longer use Ticketmaster for booking his live stand up dates, unfortunately most venues refused to do business with him because Ticketmaster would stop using them if they did. He ended up finding second rate venues but ended up doing an entire tour in which he sold the tickets for cheaper than usual and sold them through his website.

Well Lil Dicky has done something pretty special himself. An entire album completely free from a guy who does not already have fame, who does not already have a loyal fan base. The internet is not merely a means to reach his already earned fanbase. This is his way to get noticed. He will become famous from his skill being recognized and in the process he is giving his music for free. Like a pimp giving a hooker crack to keep her loyal. I salute you Mr. Dick. Everybody should be a Dickhead (it’s what his fans are called.) His album is really good, all of the songs are good, it’s fun to listen to.

Here’s his latest piece of work, share it if your like it, he deserves the views for his efforts:

 

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Steve on the Xbox One “reveal”…I think?

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The Xbox One! A new generation of Xbox filled with blip and blop and terramegatronabyte magic! A new Xbox, something I have waited years for, is finally revealed! Hurray for science and stuff! Hurray for the industry and hurray for stuff!

No. What a complete disaster this reveal has turned out to be. It is a complete mess. I heard the details of the reveal about a week in advance but couldn’t say anything because of the threat of Microsoft ninjas coming to kill me by stuffing non-disclosure agreements down my suitably beaten up neck. It was killing me not to say anything about it (you may have noticed that I am violently opinionated) until now!

Firstly…Xbox One? Kind of a weird name but you can see why they named it that way. The whole idea is that you can plug your Sky+ (or whatever cable you have) box into the Xbox and stream TV through it by saying “Xbox, Watch TV”. Nobody cares Microsoft! Have I missed something here? Has there been an epidemic where people are pissed off about having to switch the input back to TV? You just, you know…press the input button on your remote, it’s really not that hard.

Kinect 2.0 let’s you use your voice to switch to TV mode or Movies, or Netflix or Music or whatever. “Xbox, Movies.” and such. Nobody cares! I think it’s hilarious that Microsoft have spent the last 3 years telling us to get up and active with Kinect and now they are using Kinect to keep us sitting in one place constantly, not even using our index finger to change the freakin’ channel?! “Xbox, Watch TV” you say? Xbox, Go Home…you’re drunk.

Now I know people are saying that this is a really cool feature, and it is I guess, but I really just want my game console to play games first and foremost! Anything else is a bonus so why the hell did they spend so long talking about it when they were launching a new games console?! The answer is simple. They don’t see it as the games console anymore. Now it is an “Entertainment Box” full of “whole new experiences”. That’s fine but fuck off out of the way so I can play games Mr.Bell and Mr.Whistle! These are things that are available only in the US at launch so nobody cares, Microsoft. And for the love of Satan herself will you please stop using the word ‘experience’! It was used so much at both PS4 and XBO reveals that it has lost all meaning. Buzzwords are second nature to these people. The whole thing was so masterfully scripted that it was hard to notice anybody having any experience other than trying not to mess up their lines. Synergy. Multiply. Going Forward.

Okay so lets talk about the games part of this games console reveal. There was FIFA and Call of Duty…again. A totally new Experience folks! Science be praised! Call of fucking Duty again? You closed the show with Call of Duty again? TOTALLY WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCES! #Hashtag

Now you can slide, shoot out of cover and seamlessly jump over walls! Wowsers are currently flowing through my trousers! It’s a totally brand new experience!

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FIFA looked pretty great as did the rest of the EA games. I’m dying to play the new UFC game but these are all games that I have played before. Hardly next gen new experience. The one damn new IP they showed was that Quantum whatchamacallit and I still have no idea what it was about. Also they showed Forza 5, cars are now shinier in mega HD. Science be praised. They then revealed the realease window and bang…that was it. I was sitting there watching it at work absolutely gobsmacked! I couldn’t believe how poorly this highly anticipated reveal was handled. It leaves more questions than anything I have ever seen. It is an complete disaster. Considering the PS4 didn’t set the world alight I was expecting Microsoft to come out swinging…but I suppose they did.

The came out swinging with their ginormous man bits. We are Microsoft and we won! Good job guys! Look how popular we are! They came off very cocky to me and at the time I was loving it to be fair. Xbox 360 was comfortably the best console last-gen I don’t think that is even a discussion, but don’t they just know it.

The opening video made absolutely no sense. It featured lots of people looking active and applauding themselves. Every culture and ethnicity is featured. People say things like “I want to be free”, “It’s for me” and other verbal diarrhea (called marketing) that has as much affect in real life and real conversation as a bumblebee attempting to ride a greyhound to victory at a local dog track. They show every culture, every colour, and every age and then turn around and spend the entire reveal aiming the console at a mid-twenties male who plays sports games, watches action movies, has a tablet or smartphone, has a fantasy football team and plays Call of Duty while waiting for his Kinect-ordered pizza to arrive. The whole thing was so odd. They drove a message of including everybody, then a fat 25 year old and the result is this…I have no idea who this console is for! Disaster.

20130522-110052 p.m..jpgThe New Xbox Market. Their Gears of War Online Clan is called “Sunshine and Rainbows”.

I realise that this “Part 1″ of the reveal was aimed more at showing the entertainment side of the console but I think it was handled awfully. Think about it…do you think this magical casual market watched the press conference? Not a hope! It was we, the gamers, that watched it! By Microsofts reckoning the casual folk were too busy tearing their hair out while figuring out how to change the channel back to TV mode without the help of a talking camera.

The problem with not revealing the whole “Games” part is the misconception it leaves. People do not know what this box is. It’s the Wii U all over again. Nintendo made a dogs dinner of E3 2011 and to this day people still think the Wii U is simply an incredibly overpriced additional controller iPad thing for the original Wii Console. True story. Trust me…I put up with this every day.

But misconception is the growing legacy of this god-awful reveal. They still have not announced the biggest issue with this new console, nor have they cleared it up. It blocks pre-played games. This is not me just saying that or reporting confused news from IGN and Gamespot. It does not play used games. Fact – as of last week. Fact. The disc installs on the system and then becomes effectively useless. Fact. I cannot reveal my source on that but if I am willing to stick my neck out in this then I must know something right? Trust me on this. In the words of Vince McMahon “You can take that to the bank!” If it were untrue then why have Microsoft not come out to put out the raging fires of speculation? It because it’s true.

The second user (according to reports) must then purchase a pass from Xbox Live to access the content. Which, to be fair is nothing majorly new. This previously only blocked online features of the title but the new box simply denies access to the disc. This is the worst possible news for customers hoping to pick up a shiny new Xbox…and even worse news for Retail.

Blocking used games will ruin this console. PS4 has the technology in their offering to do the same but they are letting the developers and publishers pull that trigger…Sony want nothing to do with it. “A console for developers BY developers!” Remember? As Rory pointed out yesterday it will be very interesting to see what Sony do with their first party titles. Will Uncharted 57 be blocked for a second use? After how poor, clunky and frustrating the PS3 was I cannot fathom Sony rocking the boat as they sail on this wave of optimism they are currently experiencing. Even I, Captain Xbox Fanboy, want a PS4…and I despise Sony and the PS3.

Blocking a used game cripples buying power for the gamer. People simply WILL NOT pay full price for 10-20 games a year. You are looking at €500-€1000 a year for a gamer on top of your Xbox Live subscription…as well as the bills for your constantly online console. “But Steve, it’s not a constantly online console!” Yes it is, how else to you think they block pre owned games? Use your brainheads people!

You can certainly see the point from their side. Used games affect profits for publishers and they have been trying to rid the industry of them for a decade. What they need to realise is that people buy games more when they can trade in against the price. It’s a simple fact in this crazy business. If people cannot trade they cannot buy…especially these days. Game shops are down year on year on year on year and hopefully we are bottoming out just in time for the new generation, but then they pull this crap. This move (if done by both consoles) will cripple the industry and close businesses. I don’t think it’s outlandish to suggest that this dumbass move will ruin Xbox and cost people jobs.

Even worse is this word “Used” games. If I give my game to a friend to try out he will be expected to pay a fee to unlock its sweet sweet content. Why? I payed for a physical thing I should be able to do whatever I want with it. If my mate wants to try out a game I own before buying it why stop him? It makes no sense and it is pure greed.

But the very worst thing about this move is the following. People cannot afford to buy games all year round without either trading in or buying a used copy. This is a no-brainer. So what will they do? The last gen went on far too long leading to sequel after sequel after sequel of terrible games that should never have been released but amazingly sold consistently. I am looking at you Assassins Creed! This led to a lack of creativity by developers and a laziness by publishers who ordered that same crap to be pumped out year after year. People got bored of this and here we are now at the dawn of the generation. New games, new ideas and a rejuvenated retail environment for an excited audience. Perfect, no? They will kill this. People will be less likely to try out a new franchise for fear of wasting a hard earned 50 bucks and being stuck with this disc they cannot trade in. I don’t care who you are, what you earn or what you are worth.. 50 bucks is a lot of money in anybody’s life. So what happens…people buy Assassins Creed, NFS, Battlefield and of course the obligatory Call of Duty each year, every year to play it safe – putting the industry back to square one. Back to a play-it-safe, unimaginative, deeply boring seen-it-all-before environment right out out of the gate. The only difference is that the graphics are prettier on the barrel of the Call of Duty gun you get to stare at for the next 8 years. Hurray for stuff. Lap it up you pigs but I want nothing to do with a world like this. Maybe that’s why Sony are turning my head.

20130522-105012 p.m..jpgTotally New Experiences! Look at that sweet 4K-ready Grey and Brown! Quick! Shoot the grey and brown things at 60FPS!

Retail busted their asses to get the Xbox 360 to take on. We all got behind them and it became the winner of the generation. This is all while Sony were firing the sun, moon and the stars at us to get similar treatment! At one point I had two free PS3s! It feels as if Microsoft have forgotten who helped them win and turned around to spit in our faces flaunting their success. They need to realise where they were and where we helped get them.

If Microsoft go through with this I can see no future for them and that is the last thing I want. I love Xbox but this new model of greed is too hard to accept. I reserve judgement on my purchase until E3 to see what they say on the matter. The Internet is exploding with negativity on the used game block and they must be listening. Hopefully they will reverse this decision at E3 publically and we can all go back to being excited by the new Xbox One, but if I were them I wouldn’t wait until then. The damage is already done and they don’t want to be another Wii U. Sony must be loving this, Microsoft are digging their own grave and it’s killing me to say these things.

Phil Harrison said on the topic of the used game block “Don’t worry gamers, we got your back.” You sure did mate, the knife is wedged in there.

Steve

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An Americans Guide on moving to Ireland

Alright, so you’ve always dreamed of living in Ireland, have ya? It looks so plush and green, does it? The people seem so friendly and fun loving, do they? So I posted a blog about moving to America from Ireland and just had this Eureka moment. Why not post a blog about moving to Ireland from America. I only moved just over a year ago, so might as well post this before everything I know about Ireland is irrelevant. First off, you may think the Irish brogue is like listening to a sweet, sweet song but you should beware, even though the country is the size of me right testicle, we have a very diverse set of accents. You may be able to figure out what somebody from Galway or Clare is saying to you, but you might be completely lost when somebody from Cork, Kerry or Donegal talks to you. Also be prepared to concentrate and focus when somebody speaks to you, we speak much faster than you and we, all over the nation pronounce certain words differently to you guys. And this is NOT reason to make fun of us. Just because you say shit differently, it does not mean you say it the right way!

You may expect people to be very friendly and outwardly friendly at that from meeting Irish people on a night out somewhere or from meeting an Irish person at work or some shit. Well, the Irish are friendly but we are not very outwardly friendly. You may even think we are rude when compared to people in America. Not everybody in Ireland will try to make small talk, people won’t project their voices boisterously when greeting you. Don’t expect people to say Welcome to Macys or whatever, in every establishment you go into. Some may say hello, most, will not. The level of customer service in Ireland has improved in the last 3 years or so but it still leaves a lot to be desired. Ireland went through a meteoric rise in terms of wealth and prosperity. During this reign of greatness, Tourism and Service was neglected in favor of skilled labor jobs and pretentiousness. Some of this still lingers. But it’s getting better all the tiiiiiime!

If you are looking to rent a place. You are in luck. Ireland has very stringent rules for landlords to follow to ensure the tennants have a certain quality of living in their dwellings. Apartments and homes come fully furnished with all the necessities and even with some luxuries in most cases. Most places are pretty new (due to that economic boom as noted earlier) If you live in Dublin, you should try to get somewhere located close to some form of public transport. For anywhere else in the country, you should plan on either living within walking distance of work or buying a car. Luckily due to the massive collapse in the countries economy. Cars are currently very cheap to buy. BUT beware, if you are buying a car the size of the engine really matters. We are not a muscle car nation. Our ‘Green” party, the party who represents environmental policy changes got some power and since then cars with big engines have had their yearly tax hiked. I was paying nearly 1,000 euros a year for my 2.2 litre engine when there. So be warned!!

What can you do for fun in Ireland? You can do anything you want! Be warned, the weather is pretty bad all year round. We might get 3 weeks in the summer with decent weather and that’s a big MIGHT. In my last 2 years living in Galway we had about 3 weeks of sun. 2 days during the summer and a few weeks of dry weather (not hot) in November!!! If you are an active outdoorsy type person, you will need all weather wear. We have world class fishing, surfing and golf locations. Dublin is the only city in the south of Ireland that gets big name acts playing all year round. Other parts of the country may get big acts playing one weekend a year. If you befriend Irish people and expect them to be active and want to go do fun things. You should also beware that a large number or Irish people, young and old spend their weekends in the pub. Ireland is what you make of it. Do not rely on others if you want to go do something fun that involves driving far away or being active. (I will get shit for this part but it is so true!)

Continue reading

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Steve on the Phil Lynott Statue being damaged.

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This weekend Rory sent me a link to a news story on twitter knowing how pissed off it would make me. You may have heard that the statue of Phil Lynott was pushed over by two idiots this weekend. It was seriously damaged and has since been taken away for repairs.

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Now leaving aside the fact that people actually pushed over a statue and thought it was funny…It was Phil Lynott you pricks! The frontman and song writer for the greatest band this country has ever produced! What is wrong with you?! Have some damn respect! That statue was funded by fans of Thin Lizzy and not by a council or board or any other form of public sector bureaucracy! You little shits better pay for the repairs. I just don’t get people.

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Apparently the culprits (I have a much better word to use but I use it too much, I’m cuntish for that.) are two lads in their 20s. These two absolute wasters were arrested and then released without charge…what was the point in arresting them if you are not going to charge them? Should we all just run around knocking over statues now? Seriously. Why were these clowns let go with nothing more than a slap on the wrist? Why didn’t the cops name and shame them so we could all abuse them in the streets? I would personally join Facebook just to cyberbully them…constantly.

Okay, so these guys get off scot free for damaging a statue while drunk. That’s the story I get. What does that say to them? “Go ahead you scamps! Get wasted and do whatever you want! Go on now, go to coppers and grope the ladies. Oh you two!”. I’m sure the cops are sick to death of dealing with idiots like these on a nightly basis, and I know they have not got the resources to deal with anti-social behavior on that kind of scale every night and short of hiring a Batman figure (which I will do for free) they can’t stop everything…so why didn’t they use this incident to send a message?

I believe these lads should get the death penalty. Yes. The death penalty. What a statement of intent that would be! Oh, and I don’t mean any pansy ass lethal injection either! Death my repeated kicks in the groin. Really make them suffer. Perhaps hang them from a tree by their giant statue-defeating balls while I introduce my size 12 feet to their faces? Let’s see what happens when people fight back shall we? Death by kicking for the two of them…case closed.

This is why I should be in charge of everything.

Steve

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Travelling for work is bollocks

As you read this blog today, I am sitting in a hotel room in Rhode Island. I am not here on holiday, it is not really by choice but out of necessity. The Great Plague has befallen me once again, that is the plague of having to travel for work. I have not had to travel for work for about a year and a half now. It has been something I have never enjoyed and being 5 days into this trip, I can safely say I still do not enjoy it.

Knowing the way that people I know think, I assume some reading this right now are probably thinking, boohoo he doesn’t like traveling for work, I would love to get to travel for work, I don’t even have a job, he should be grateful just to have work…. And on, and on, and on…

What a lot of people who don’t travel for work do not realize is you tend to give up your personal time to go to the airport early so you make your flight, you travel on a weekend to get there for Monday, your evenings are spent working to catch up on your day to day work that you missed Whilst in meetings, you don’t get to do whatever you want, you spend your nights in a hotel room. It doesn’t help that every company I have traveled for work with, has had a pretty lousy traveling expenses arrangement and more often than not I have been left out of pocket.

I have heard professional wrestlers and comedians talking about being on the road for their work and describing it as being a transient person only without having to sleep rough for the night. You go crazy trying to pass the time, you have nothing to do, if you do get some time after work is completed, you tend to just walk around by the hotel or go to dinner, traveling around to see the sights is usually not on the cards as you finish work after 6pm and by time you shower and catch up with your other shit, its too late , its why so many comedians and wrestlers say they get into get into gambling and have drug addictions. Boredom and Loneliness when on the road.

This cloud does have a silver lining though. This week I’m on the east coast of America, which means there is only a 5 hour time difference between me and everybody else in Ireland. I got to see the news about Alex Ferguson as it broke and interact with friends online. It makes me think about moving home or possibly to the East coast, I’m feeling like I am drifting apart and losing myself a little.

Sorry for the boring blog post, I figured I would just type what was on my mind. I have been pretty busy for the last year and my mind has been pretty preoccupied, but I thought a blog post was well over due. Hopefully the next one will be back to either being funny or violently opinionated to alienate some more you motherfuckers

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Sir Alex Ferguson and my life.

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I couldn’t let this day pass without mentioning the boss. Today Sir Alex Ferguson retired his managerial position at Manchester United and I don’t know what to make of it. He has been the manager of the club I love since I was 11 months old so it will be extremely odd for me to see another man in his chair. I don’t remember Ron Atkinson as United Manager as I was too busy peeing into a nappy.

There is no need for me to go on and repeat all of his accomplishments here as I am sure you are sick of listening to it all day, so I won’t. This is more of an entry concerning my life and his reign.

The news leaked out late last night so I was prepared for the worst should it actually happen, but I never expected it to happen this quickly! I feel like somebody has died! (Which is kind of how I expected Fergie to leave)

Looking back at his 26 years and 38 trophies at Old Trafford there must be very few regrets, we have been spoiled with success. It is just a shame that when he finally cracked Europe we came up against a Barcelona team in two finals that will most likely be remembered for eternity such is their greatness. A shower of boring bastards if you ask me but that is beside the point. By all rights Sir Alex should have four European Cups (and the club that sweet Liverpool-equaling five) under his belt but no team on earth would have touched Barca during those two finals. It happened but Fergie still had given us two great nights before that. Barcelona in 1999 and then Moscow in 2008 are etched into my memory so much that I plan on naming my unfortunate children after them. “Solksjaer Treble99 Murphy” and “Moscow HahaJohnTerry Murphy” will have a tough school life but hey! As if I care!

I have been thinking about Sir Alex leaving all day and I can line up each great United moment with a part of my life which is unique in todays game. This will never be done again and I think that is very special. Supporters now aged 26-30 will agree with me here.

Think of all the players Fergie has had in this time! In my opinion Sir Alex has had three great, truly great, sides.

The Cantona years.
The “treble winning” side in 1999.
The “Moscow” era side.

I call them the Cantona years because that’s what they were. Eric Cantona being absolutely amazing and United winning 4 titles in his 5 years at the club. Oh, and kicking a fan right in his stupid pikey face. The double, that sweet first double. The 1990s were Fergies stomping ground.

The Treble Winning side were unstoppable. If you look back at even just the recognised starting 11 these were good days. Schmeichel, Neville, Stam, Johnsen, Irwin, Giggs, Scholes, Keane, Beckham, Yorke, Cole. Fergies finest achievement in my opinion. The Treble. I will never forget it. Nor will I ever forget how Phil Neville nearly f**ked the whole thing up in the Cup semi final! Schmeichel didn’t allow it.

Then there was the latest great side. Three European Cup finals in four years and barring Barcelona and their ways he would have won all three. Seriously, we could have beaten any other team. Van Der Sar and Vidic. Scholseys winner against in the semi against Barcelona. The 4 lads Ronaldo, Rooney, Berbatov and uhh…Carlos Tevez (what ever happened to that guy??). That team for four years or so were brilliant. The midfield was exploited and it took Barcelona to stop what would go down as the most successful period in our history. Yes, I am quite bitter about Barcelona showing up.

I’m sure lots of “Fergies Best 11″ lists are flying around the Internet but that isn’t going to stop me from doing it! This is a very difficult thing to do so if you don’t think I’m right I really don’t care. This is my blog entry so get your own personal internets!

GK. Peter Schmeichel
RB. Gary Neville
LB. Dennis Irwin
CB. Jaap Stam
CB. Nemanja Vidic
LM. Ryan Giggs. (Obviously)
RM. Christiano Ronaldo.
CM. Paul Scholes. (I love you Scholsey)
CM. Roy Keane.
F. Eric Cantona.
F. Ruud Van Nistelrooy

Sub. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (Obviously)
Sub. Wayne Rooney
Sub. Edwin Van Der Sar
Sub. David Beckham
Sub. Mark Hughes
Sub. Rio Ferdinand
Sub. A second Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

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Literally all of my life has passed on as players came and went. Teams were promoted and relegated. Managers came and went but Fergie remained the one constant in English Football. There have been a few bad times to be fair…

20130508-094727 p.m..jpgYou ain’t pretty no more!

…but who cares on a day like this.

Thank you Sir Alex, thank you for everything you have done for Manchester United and all the moments you have given me. It’s hard to pick one but…actually no it isn’t!

“Beckham…to Sheringham…and Solksjaer has won it! Manchester United have reached the promised land!”

Well done Clive Tildsley. I shed a single manly tear watching this video again. It looks like David Moyes will be the new manager which I think could be a good appointment. Nobody wants to be the first guy in after Sir Alex and I don’t envy him but let’s give him a chance shall we?! I am so happy that it is not Jose Mourinho it is untrue. I would have gone on hunger strike outside the stadium to keep that asshole away. No to Jose, thanks. His football is terrible, it’s all about him and let us not forget his dirty Chelsea past. Toot on, Mr.Moyes, toot on.

I keep reading reports online and hearing radio bulletins starting with “David Moyes is the favorite for the Manchester United Job” and it confuses the hell out of me! The words vacant and Manchester United Job are unfathomable in my head. It just sounds odd to me. Expect a lot of journos mistakenly typing his name at the start of match reports!

Manchester United manger Sir Alex Ferguson David Moyes…

It is simply too odd and it is going to be very hard to get used to seeing anybody else on the chair in the house Fergie built.

To Mr.Moyes…welcome to Manchester United. Believe in the youth team, play an entertaining brand of football, be competitive in all tournaments and we will get along just fine. Welcome.

Okay, this has been a very poorly written blog entry but it is just like today I guess. Reaction. Confusion. Emotion. Acceptance. I would love to sit down and really make a proper go at paying tribute to the great man but I had to react today. It is poorly written and has very little structure which pretty much sums up how I feel about Sir Alex moving on. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m feeling proud. I’m concerned about the future and I wanted to capture all of that by not forcing any kind of rule on this. Pure reaction and sudden bursting of ideas. It’s been a frantic and emotional day…this is the result of it, basic scratchings on a majestic surface.

Iv never been one to go traveling or go away for weekends, I just want to watch football. I would much rather be sitting down with a beer watching Sir Alex and Manchester United than swanning around a slum in South America, visiting friends or any other nonsense like that. Today is a huge day in the history of Steve.

If United go 100 years without another trophy I will still be delighted I lived through these days. We have been spoiled and the amount of times a football club drew manly tears of joy from me during myself and Sir Alex’ last 26/27 years is worth it all.

So how do I end it? How do I sum up my life of watching Manchester United coinciding with the reign of Sir Alex Ferguson? How do I capture all of the joy, all of the torment and all of the emotions supporting this club and this man? Easy.

“I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! Football. Bloody Hell.”

Thank you Sir Alex. Thank you.

Steve

P.S. I would do anything for Sir Alex to end his speech on Sunday with “I’m just going out for a pack of smokes”.

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The “Bin it your way” Campaign

I realise that I am a cynical guy. I realise that a lot of things piss me off. I sometimes wonder if the world is designed to annoy me and to a large extent…it is. Marketing bullshit drives me insane and I will never see the point in most of it. Every campaign, government or otherwise, seems dumb to me and if I am honest I see myself as being far more intelligent than the target audience for this particular brand of cock.

A little example from this weekend was an advert for HomeBase or B+Q or somewhere like that. It showed a frustrated family failing to assemble some flat packed furniture in an attempt to point out the failings of IKEA. The family had purchased a new coffee table for their Grandmother. The voice over man says “Don’t do this to Nan this bank holiday weekend!” Did I miss something? Do we now purchase large pieces of furniture for our Grandparents on certain bank holiday weekends? When did this happen? Is it a new thing? Seriously now! Who was that ad aimed at?! Neglectful people who leave their parents in furnitureless houses only to surprise them on holidays with tidings of tables and chairs? Or was it an out take from some failed TV series cleverly repackaged as holiday advertising. “Worlds Fuckediest Fucks” or something inspired like that. Il move on.

So there is this ad running on TV and radio here in Ireland at the moment. I’m pretty sure it’s a government thing. Now, honestly, I thought my brain was going into meltdown when I saw this. I thought my mind was upset at the Horoshima I pulled on my body this weekend and invented something this recockulous as punishment for my boozing ways. Unfortunately, this is not the case. This is real. As real as my love for my sweet sweet Xbox.

“BIN IT YOUR WAY!” A campaign designed to show people how to dispose of chewing gum in youthful and funky new ways…just the hot topic we need right now during these dark economic times. Fuck the ECB…chewing gum litter is our major problem…yup. I was not aware that gum litter was such an epidemic that we, as a nation, required a “Gum Litter Task Force” That is what they are called. I assume they are a very hard working semi state enterprise…the type of group that walk in the door of the office, fart, drink coffee for five hours, come up with this dumb ass idea and then leave for the afternoon.

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Just look at that horseshit! I can actually see the boardroom now. A crowd of marketing people sitting around staring at blank pages and coming up with this garbage. “Apple! People like Apple! Let’s make our posters look all sweet and cool and youthful like Apple! Hurray for Finton! Lets all go for more coffee! Hurray!”

Fuck my life! What a crock of bollocks.

So these people think that creating this campaign will stop kids from spitting their chewing gum on the ground? Seriously now, they believe that kids will use the bins because now they are encouraged to be creative and funky in doing so…and then upload their pics to Facebook and twitter? If this happened when I was in school (many moons ago) the kid uploading pictures of himself creatively binning his gum would be beaten to within an inch of his life, and then a further two inches. Do these people live on planet earth at all? It’s like real life versions of the brain surgeons you see on The Apprentice except this is really happening. It is frightening how pointless and cringeworthy this is. Too much college, not enough real life if you ask me. I am all for stopping litter but for the love of Satan Herself there are better ways to do this. Show depressing slow motion images of cute kittens choking on poorly disposed chewing gum. People respond to guilt and blame, encouragement doesn’t work.

But what if this actually takes off? (It won’t, it is horrifyingly stupid) Imagine walking down the street to see kids jumping over bins to dispose of their gum doing The Gum Slam Dunk. A guy in a suit suddenly breaking in to The Gum Strut as he approached the bin. A woman bending over backward to perform The Gum Curve. The street will be changed and set to sense-warping skinny jeans indy garbage music as idiots in brightly coloured clothes perform miracles of flexibility to throw their gum in the bin as their friend snaps a pic of it and uploads to Facebook to the rapturous approval of their friends list. Steven DISlikes this.

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I don’t want to live in this world. I don’t understand it anymore. If I see one person taking a picture of their “unique” bin move I will take him out with a Stone Cold Steve Austin style clotheline. But I’m not worried, nobody in this country is as stupid as the Gum Litter Task Force are encouraging them to be…for now.

My brain hurts. Can somebody give me a job in marketing please? I would love to live in your dumb world for a week. “Steve, we need you to come up with a slogan to stop people taking drugs.” Okay…uhhh…”If you take drugs your penis will stop working and policemen will sexually assault your anus.”

Boom. You people would be using money with my face on it within a year.

Steve

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